Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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