What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
