I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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