I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
