Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
