I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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