oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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