haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I don't deserve a penis
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
