He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she smelled like a LAN party
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
