Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
