It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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