Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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