fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
