oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
