we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
