she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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