I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
