I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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