fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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