So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
