Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
