Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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