put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
