FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize