I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
