We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
