He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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