made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
