guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I accidentally burped into my bong.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
