Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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