I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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