i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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