I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
