i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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