I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
They have beer where we have blood.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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