I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
