You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
