I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
