I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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