I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
