The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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