she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
