I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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