when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
