fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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