new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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