Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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