You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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