And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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