I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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