I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
