I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize