everyone is single if you try hard enough
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize