Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
