i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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