Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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