I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
