If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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