I will die if light touches me.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
