you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
